Last night The San Francisco War Memorial Opera House was host to the fifth annual Webby Awards. The Webbys have been hailed as the Oscars for the Internet. Its easy to see why Internet frontiers would want to be singled out, in front of their peers, as revolutionary. Who doesnt want a little recognition? A pat on the back for believing that thier website really is different from the millions out there.

The Webbys are obviously not to blame for all of the Internets problems but they certainly were a good representation of why web commerce has become an oxymoron. Like everything else in the past decade that was even remotely cutting edge, the Internet was co-opted like nobodies business. In order to co-opt something successfully and rapidly it needs to seem like its still alternative and it needs to be labeled with a vague but catchy name so that it can be marketed successfully. The Webbys has a nice ring to it; kind of roles off the tongue doesnt it?

Let there be no confusion, the Internet is one of the most important inventions of our time. It has changed the world, the way we communicate, the way we learn. The marketing of the Internet however is the same old, tired yarn. If youve hired an ad agency to promote your website, expect pre-pubescents with tongue rings and fuchsia dread locks to be singing the praises of your software updating site.

The audience at last nights Webby Awards lived up to the images of supposed users portrayed in said ads. The dress code called for gutsy, but what does that mean to this crowd of cyber-chick web dwellers who have simply jumped on the information super-highway bandwagon. It is an information super highway, but what does that have to do with style? Sadly, there was nary a nerd in sight. Its not like they had to worry about being picked on, the crowd certainly would have recognized the irony in a pocket protector, and still the red carpet welcomed no nerds but instead a plethora of orange jumpsuits, blue wigs, and fairy wings. Alternative? Alternative to what?

As an event there were some entertaining elements. Actor Allan Cummings was a hilarious host, although at times he seemed completely lost, (is this cool or not?) One of the best rules of the ceremony, which will hopefully be picked up by other dull award ceremonies (all of them), is the five-word acceptance speech rule. This restriction allowed for some memorable speeches. Winner for best Personal Site, Dancing Paul, who shyly approached the podium with,

I just like to dance.

The winners from Google were men in tin foil capes and roller blades (nerds thinly disguised?) who accepted the award for Best Practices with,

Google gives great search results.

Google is actually a great surviving example of what does succeed on the web; substance. The search engine is just that, with no slick distractions, no blatant attempts to appeal to a young, restless demographic. Google is nothing more than a thorough, easy to use search engine and one of the real stand outs in a sea of flailing, hipper than thou dot-coms.

Another stand out was Peter Pans Home Page. The winner of the Weird category, the sites creator, just call me Peter walked around the opera house in full Peter Pan regalia, green tights and all. Even though there was plenty of competition for the most ridiculous outfit, Peters weirdness was sincere. The Tampa native has been obsessed with Peter Pan from an early age, not because of the quest for eternal youth but rather for the sexual ambiguity of the character. Peter seemed happy to be at the awards but confused. As he approached the podium to accept his award his five word speech explained the confusion,

Weird? God loves us all.

Sam Donaldson hosted the webcast of the Webbys and was on hand to crack some Bush jokes in an attempt to fit in with the crowd. His presence was actually refreshing but the purpose for his appearance, apparently unbeknownst to him, was the same reason that Pong was available for the crowd to play in the lobby; Kitsch value. Poor Sam wasnt safe for long. The recipient for the best Sport site was surf destination Swell. What was the tanned surfers five-word acceptance?

Dude, Sam Donaldson, gnarly toupee.

One thing the Webbys could actually learn from the Oscars; drop the dance numbers. Is it possible for pretension to be so present that it actually gives off a foul odor? If so, the Opera House was rank last night.

Experimental Dance holds appeal for a very specific audience and even that audience would have cradled their heads in their hands last night. While those present may have acted like the half dozen dances thrust upon them were interesting, (is this alternative?) they were just pretending.

The icing on the PC was the incredibly anti-climactic approach to announcing the winners; each category came partnered with a short film. Some were amusing, but strangely enough most suffered from that same strange odor that the dance numbers gave off.

The entire ceremony mirrored the quick rise and even speedier fall of the dot-com gold rush. The event was gorgeous, from the programs to the food. While there were sponsors, the spare no expense, attitude seemed to herald very recent times when money was no object, but now, as most of us know, it most certainly is. As one of the evenings award recipients said,

Bankruptcy never felt so good.

Again the success of online ventures comes down to substance. Last night was the epitomy of, all (gutsy) style, no substance.

The most interesting and genuine part of the evening was the Lifetime Achievement Award. Lifetime Achievment for the Internet? You bet. The award was given to two men, Ray Tomlinson and Douglas Engelbart. Tomlinson was one of the creators of E-Mail and in 1968 Engelbart built ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. Their fascinating accounts were broadcast on Teleprompters, just two elderly nerds showing off a wooden mouse created by Engelbart and acting astonished at what the web had become.

An elderly woman accepted the deserved award for Engelbert, and delivered the five words he wished to convey,

There is more to come.

Certainly. But will this ever end?