Webster's Dictionary has eighteen definitions for the word 'suck' but only when we hit number eleven do we get to "to be repellent or disgusting". I'm pretty sure this is the version Heavy.com has in mind since it's site succeeds in two ways, first it lampoons the entire genre of modern music, and second it uses the word 'suck' as often as possible, getting laughs from the entire range of Webster's number eleven. In between these two objectives they also mock the way music is looked at by poking fun at the types of music programs and personalities TV and radio have to offer. The ultimate version is pretty much what Heavy's heavy hitters, David Carson and Simon Assad had in mind when they said they look for a good "dumb quotient" in their comedy. Their creative staff of forty pretty sick souls comes up with the targets, many of whom are excited, even honored to be in Heavy's fire. When this type of material runs dry they fill in the blanks with general shots at cultural sacred cows like religion, sex, and ethnic and racial stereotypes. This is accomplished with animation, fake audio clips of celebrities, or prank phone calls.

One type of music satire is their "American Suck Countdown", where they look at ten artists who suck and rank them. The voice and style is a total rip off of Kasey Kasem's 'American Top 40', including an obscene 'dedication' from the hosts mother. Among the stars who suck: old artists and joke fodder like David Hasselhoff, and new ones like foulmouthed rapper Eminem. It's given out rather evenly, making fun of Jewel's sensitivity and large breasts, to Puff Daddy's perceived lack of talent and originality, and his having sex with Jennifer Lopez on a regular basis. It even includes a shot at Metalica, not for their music but for it's campaign against Napster. Again artists who suck run the gamut of tastes from Marilyn Manson to boy band N' Sync who was number one incidentally. Clearly they give the impression that everyone sucks as well as every type of today's music judging from the range of members on this list.

Their best and most prolific satire comes in 'Behind The Music That Sucks', where artists from Kid Rock to 40's big band leader Glen Miller get shot at. Plus it mocks the sanctimonious and overly obvious and repetitive style of VH1's documentaries 'Behind The Music'. And of course they get to use the word 'suck' again. In these clips they mock Shania Twain's sugar-sweet image by having her big hits be cheerful ditty's about being the lone survivor of a plane crash and other domestic disasters, and mock the constant attention paid to her body which they believe is her only real talent. With Mariah Carey they exuberantly chronicle her transformation from goody-two-shoes to complete slut, by having her compare herself to Mary Madgelene by proclaiming herself to be "God's whore" while Snoop dog pours liquor down her virtually naked body. In fact she's virtually naked throughout, and while this and many of the other jokes are sophomoric, it nevertheless pretty accurately portrays a sentiment many feel about Mariah and other pop 'diva's' who mix innocence and exploitation in every video.

Heavy's latest target is the once mighty Van Halen, who's constantly changing line up is mocked by titling their piece "Van Halen: What The F*** Happened", a question true fans have wondered about. In true Heavy style they gloss over the bands true successes, and 'jump' to David Lee Roth's sexual exploits and constant hiring and firing of David and Sammy Hagar as lead singers. Clearly they believe any musical triumphs are to be ignored because it gets in the way of their inherent suckiness. Heavy's success in these musical parodies is best summed up by Assad and Carson when they say "we're smart-asses and we're good at it."

While these portraits are outlandish, they're still pretty funny and on the mark. The rest of their site when it strays from musical satire, comes up short on both accounts. In 'Contagious' for example, they use fake audio clips to make ethnic and racial jokes from 'Ebonics Language Tapes', to making fun of Indian accents by employing, well, bad Indian accents. They have cartoons like 'Munchman and Fatty' and more seemingly random audio bits that don't deal with music that much. But whatever your comedy cup of tea is, it's clear by looking in their bulletin board Heavy's fans 'get it'. One entry, unfortunately titled 'Butcheeks and Schlong' declares heavy's widespread punishment isn't enough claiming "Blink 182 needs Behind The Music That Sucks. I dare say they suck more than Stryper. please remedy the absence of Blink 182 denigration immeaditely." "The Dude" dissents gently stating that "heavy is cool but Halloweenmansion.com is better." He is instantly squashed by 'Hamhands' who in fine Heavy style declares "Hey 'dude' Halloweenmansion.com sucked, Heavy still rules."

Heavy's empire is rich indeed. They offer games like "Bitch Slap A Rock Star" which are pretty self- explanatory. They also offer an endless supply of t-shirts, pants, and a virtual Mall's worth of other apparel and accessories. They also provide their own music which they presumably believe doesn't suck. Offerings include: Radiohead, Snapcase, and Theivery Corporation. At least one fan enjoys the selection calling it 'good work' and another declares it 'rawks'. Perhaps the lack of spelling can literally be overlooked since one strange 'benefit' you might get from Heavy is glaucoma since their writing and labels have print a fighter pilot with a magnifying glass couldn't read. Clearly, or perhaps not so clearly, Heavy offers a lot to look at, provided you stare hard enough. And if you enjoy the pricking of a million pop music balloons, that giant sucking sound you may hear is your computer picking up Heavy.

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